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My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. I have just turned 47. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.

While I have known for quite a while that I have issues with liquor, this book made me go up against them. however strangely support me to acknowledge I am not the only one. Several problems in my life caused my misuse of alcohol and the usual reasons such as hereditary factors, and indiscipline does not feature. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.


Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. And Luckily at that time I can attend a prestigious school that proud on its student's academic records'but the students there turned out really like having a party, they were party animals. And so began my journey into the excessive consumption of alcohol and subsequent negative activity - ranging from loss of consciousness to terrible hangovers to improper sexual behaviours.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.


Life went on - I became a registered nurse, received a masters degree and went out with a great companion. We drank wine on weekends when we were together and at times during the week I would buy a bottle for myself.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.


My better half got snared on a neighbourhood "mix your-own" so we had cases and instances of wine...and soon a daily custom to split one or two.... Covertly, I started blending my own mixed drinks and keeping the glass covered up in my heating cabinet.

When I return home - and face the family mess, getting dinner, attempting to get ADHD kid to concentrate on homework while prying the other erratic of his iPod.....I can just consider blending that drink....which I continue refilling until in the long run I nod off or go out. On waking up, I check my phone to see whom I chatted when under the influence of alcohol.


Strangely, it doesn't end there for a couple of years back I got entangled in an extramarital affair with a family friend. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was joyous beyond words - each time my telephone showed a message...oh the surge of emotions. Frequently we visited late into the night, now and then amidst the night, while we were grinding away.


I was more jovial than I had ever been. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been crushed and lamenting this loss....and the drinking expanded.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

Every time I look back over my life, I feel so ashamed myself and to people around me. The drunken episodes:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Drunk at the golden jubilee celebration of a relative.
  • Yelling on the phone
  • I shouted and screamed inappropriately in front of my kids
  • Domestic violence against my husband
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

Now I am a bit more informed thanks to 'Drink', this platform where got me to know I am not alone and the remedial centre I am presently in, has been an eye opener. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.